HEART BROKEN

greetings dear self. i know clearly that i dont have any followers... not that only i do not have followers, i also dont have readers. so basically this is just me letting my self out. i am pretty much in my worst condition now. never have i ever felt this shitty for the past few years. i know my life is not easy when i compared it to the others, yet, i know i am a strong girl who will always survive. but this time around, everthing was like pulling me down. i never felt this miserable and to top it of, i am all ALONE and LONELY.

since this was already berhabuk and i know for sure nobody would read it, i will say the truth. i am giving up with my life. i broke up with my bf for a year and i do not know why im back with him. is this love? im confused. i begged him for almost a year and after a long painful ego-reducing journey, he accepted me. yet, lately, something bad crossed my mind. i love him but i am not sure if he is the one. since i begged for him, he thinks that he is needed, he feels superior than me to which, i feel like he didnt love me anymore. those attention, affection and communication between us,for me, is not purely because we love each other. it is more to him feeling OBLIGATED to respond because i am his gf. not more than that. or maybe, it is all due to the fact that he feels indebted to me. i dont know.

tbh, i am sad. nope.. i am beyond sad. i have nobody other than him. i know that me being clingy with him annoys him.. im sorry im selfish but idk.. i have given him more than i own.. im in pain, he never knew.. he used to be my life saver, my misery's distractor, my tears' wiper and my nightmares' stopper but now, i am back to square one where i feel like i only have myself, which kills me day by day...

after more than one year

hello! *greeting myself*
i know tade sapa pon yg baca thats y.. but adeeb shared with  me that bottling up emotions can lead to depressions and if you have no one to talk to write a blog or journal.. but i have him.. you'd always be the one listening kannnn... okay... so it has been MORE THAN ONE YEAR since last ive updated my blog.. da berhabuk tebal da.. *amek kain buruk lap*.. ngeee.. so tonyte mcm ada mood plak nak mngarang..okay.. lets start with my study path..

since egypt is not safe anymore according to the news.. my parents decided not to let me fly there  anymore and that means im no longer a medical student in egypt.. so since result spm teruk ive decided to change course to an easier one and that is TESl.. *memang sy admit english buatsy rasa pndai* haha.. so end of september yg sepatutnya fly jdi orientation week kat unisel.. oklaaa.. tak susah sgt pon nak adapt.. for the first and second sem alia duduk hostel.. hostel dea bestt.. teres dua tingkat 4 bilik tp yg tak bestnya ialah.. jarak hostel ngan uni is 20 km.. gilaaa kan!

some of coursemate

sooo... satu rumah tu 12 org taw duduk mula2 and then jdi 11 then 10till we're left with 9.. smpaila hbis sem 2.. byk sgt ups n downs dlm rumah tu.. kat situla jmpa one of best buddy SYARIHAN.. deala rumet..hosmet..carmate..classmate..coursemate.. semua bnde dealah kiranya.. bila masuk sem 3 kitaorg duduk rumah sewa konon da tak than nak serumah ngan yg laen.. hahaha poyo je!! 

foundation year ended last september and alhamdulillah alhamdulillah alhamdulillah tiga tiga sem dpt dean list and final cgpa is 3.77.. syukur sgt coz allah made it easy this time..  now alia kat penang!! bercuti umah pakcik makcik and jdi nanny to 2 toddlers cousin.. cute budak2 ni.. hehe.. tak tahu da apa nak ckp.. so far 2014 oklaaa n i hope ill be better in the future.. tade idea sgt nak type apa!!

totnak ckp pasal bf yg sekarang jauh di mata tp.. tp.. not tonyte kot!

since tak taw nak type apa sy blanja gmbar jelaaa....

ni masa hari raya aidilfitri.. 

different angle of same picture..

ni la si manis KHADIJAH AMANI. toddler yg livig with me tu

younger brother fadhil

from left.. umi adek(6/9), me, iman, umilah (3/9)

big smile of deeejahhhhh

this is one of the props for one of my assignments.. backdrop for drama

meeeee

rafiqah... she'scute!! coursemate of course!!

well inilah syarihan yg i mention to.. sgt baik..anggun..lawa..kurus.. semua yg baik dealah orgnya!

my drama group right after the drama

final exammeyyyhhhh

result MUET.. alhamdulillah sgt!!

the exam hall... gerun!!

#current mood #SAD

dear readers..

i know i shouldnt feel this way.. i am super duper sad.. i feel that life is unfair.. looking at what others have compared to what i have.. i found that i have NOTHING! i know it sounds that im not grateful.. but.. i just cant help it..

i dont have a happy family.. my brother keeps on making problems.. my dad is sick.. my mum always nag.. none of us succeed in our study..my dad always looked stress.. i dont even feel like going back home whenever im far.. i dont feel happy living in my house.. i used to cry whenever im home.. my mum would always prioritise my bro.. i always being blamed, being nagged and i cant accept it...i didnt love my family.. if only i cn say that i hate em.. i'll let them know.. its killing me to be home... crazy, huh?

well, when it comes to study, i didnt score my SPM but i managed to fly to egypt to do medicine with my parents support but after a year.. here i am in malaysia doing foundation for B.Ed.. sucks huh? yeahh.. my life wasnt easy.. i screwed up every thing.. every single thing.. i hate my life..  the path that has been set up for me is full of screwed up things.. life is really unfair..

i always have to fake my smile.. i dont feel like coming home.. i hate my bro.. i hate my family..im sooo sad coz i cant let people know bout it.. stressful!!! iwanna end this.. anybody who'sfacing the same problem as mine? do share how umanage urs!! thank you... 

Its 2.03 a.m on 20/08/2013

Assalamualaikum peeps... It has been such a long time since my last entry... I know that i should update my blog frequently but i just cant... Lots and lots of things need to be settled before i go back to egypt this upcoming september... I dont really plan to write tonight.. But since adeeb fell asleep earlier than me tonight( which rarely happened), i decided to write a lil bit bout recent event that take place...

To b honest, i dont have any idea of what shud i update is time... I know its quite boring... But what  shud i do...today... It has been one month and 25 day since adeeb and i first be in relationship... It such a good thing to have him as my boyfie... Well.. Though we r near to each other.. Both of us are bz with our tight schedules.. He's with his job as a waiter.. Apart from commited to work, he's bz with his friends,families and social thingy... That doesnt include all those forms which need to be filled and posted... Sy plak... I was bz ith my aunts wedding prep.. Ohhh btw, my aunty slamat mnjadi istri to a very lucky man on the 4th of syawal.. Congratulation CHU AH n CHU DIN... I pray for ur happiness... So.. As the oldest niece, i was assigned with the guestbook thingy, photoprops,candy buffet, hantaran, bunga pahar,bunga manggar... I was loaded with all the task... Tak menang tgn taw nak settle all things by raya keempat.. Blm msuk raya kdai tutup tuh... Kdai tutup satu hal.. Part jalan2 satu hal... Hehe... Well, its EID!!! Since both of us bz, we dont spend much time together... Just few text message before both of us fall asleep... And adalaaa jmpe skli dua in ramadhan... 

I do really love his presence in my life.. Since kitaorg kawan saya perasan bnda ni.. He is a nice guy to get to know... Sgt la sabar layan kerenah sy if we go out.. Mengalah on almost everything but when it comes to my safety and health he'll never compromise... Yeeee... I know.. People wud say alaaaa... Boyfie msty la puji melangit... But.. Since we r friends pon he cared bout me... Esp masa kat mesir.. Pntang ckp sy nk kua after maghrib.. Xkira laaa on whatever reason,msty offer himself to jdi musyrif....never ever let me go out alone at night..ni trmsuk tmn me and lgi sorg kwn prempuan tgk football... He'd buy me mineral water on those sunny days too... Tu blm cerita lgi he's the one yg membebel when i pndah but x gtaw boys and decided to angkat barg without anyone's help....Tq 

soooo much awk... 

I dont know why, but i wanna state he re that my adeeb is sooo understanding... He'd know if something's wrong... Even i dont say anything...awesome kan.. Jdinya sy xyah fkir how to get his attention when i wanna say anything... He wud be the one who wud ask.. Knapa??ada pape x kene ke.. Tell me syg..hehe... Heart adeeb!!

The more i get to know him... The more i feel comfortable with him... The more i like him.. Yesss... There r few things yg sy x suka bout him.. Smell of his hair wax.. Ahhh seriously i dont like em.. Off to futsal after one day of working.. Heyyy u bz keje one day without texting me lpastu nk gi futsal??? Hell,NO!! Haha.. But u pgi jgak.. Well routine on MONNDAY nTHURSDAY eh syg?? Adalaaaa few things lgi yg i dont like bout him... Yelaaaa.. Nobody's perfect!!! Meloveubyeeeeeeee

FRIDAYYYYYY!!! I'M IN LOVE.. wink**

haaaaaa... korangggg!!!! da lme sgt kita x update blog kan... huhu.. byk je bnde nak update ekceli.. well bila cuti.. blik msia.. for sure lots and lots of things happened.. makanya.. lots and lots of stories laaaa to be told.. but... satu masalah besar when da blik rumah ni kan... ialaaaaahhhh... rasa MALAS yg mlampau lampau tahap petala ke tiga rtus sembilan puluh lapan mnguasai diri ini!! (sobs**)... kadang2 nak bgn n mandi pon malas... malas yg sgt amat!!! blm lgi malas nak isi all those borg nak dptkn pnjaman.. haiiihhhh...

sebenarnyaaaaa... today bkn nak crita pasal malas.... hehe.. tgk post title pon korang taw it's not about malas kan... its about LOVEEEE!!!! hehehe.... haaaa.. trus booolat mata korang kan... haiiihhh... paham sgt!!! korang nk taw keeee??? nakkk keee???? shud i tell u guysss??? hmmm x jdi gtaw laaaahhhh... hahahha... eehhh.. bkerut plak mke... curiuous lettew!!!! haaaaa... oklaaaa...kita ceritaaaaa... blushing***... mluuuu ler pulakkk!!!

korang pnah jeeeee baca sal dea before dis... kita pnah buat satu entry pasal dea.... hehehe.. gi selongkar balik entry lama2 kitaaa.. hehe.... gi laaaa cari... kita malas nak citer balikkk.... go cari entryklik jelaaa sini senang!!! haaaa... entry tu aq buat mse kat mesir.. masa tuh kiteorg bestfriend jeeee.... i mean... kawan jeee... i dont know him much masa tuh... nama pon salah.. hahahha... meh sini sy btulkan balik.. nama dea... WAN AHMAD ADEEB QAREEMY BIN WAN ROSLI...  panjang gilaaaa kan nama dea... kite pggil dea oit jeee..hahahhahaha... mse kat mesir.. dea ni da ada gf.. gf dea kat msia laaaa tp... long distance... adeeb ni slalu je cter probs dea kat kitaaa...termasuklaaa pasal his gf.. soo.. our last month kat ejip tu.. kitaaa tw la deaorg ade probs... and after berbulan2 try to fix things... deaorg mke their own way... sobsss sobss.. (amek tisu lap hingus)... hehe.. gurau jeaaaa awk... masa tu deaaa sgt amat sedeh... heheheheh... well sapa x syg relay yg da nk muk tiga thn kan... haiiihhhh... ok laaa.. cita pasal kami pulakkkk...

moments!!!!

mse dea clash tu kita kat dubai... jalan2.. blik tu kn.. donno y.. kita gi tanya dea kat whatsapp... what if i say... i like u.. hahahhahahahha.... mongoks tol kan kita... then dea reply.. i like u too... hewhew... gedik... dipendekkan ceritaaaaa... lpas blik tu we still test each other mcm our days kat egypt.. xde sehari pon passed by without texting each other... hehehehhehe... soo... cuti ni adeeb kejee... one day.. dea kne gi bkak akaun kwsp.. which is on wednesday.. dea cuti.. soo nk kne setel dat day.. but... dea ckp abah ngan ma dea nak gne motor.. soo dea xde knderaan.. soo.. as a good friend of him sy volunteer laaa gi amek dea kat umah.. heheheh.. and guess what.. mak ayah dea ada kat rumah masa tuuu.... stop je dpan umah.. bru je nk kuarkn fon nk text suh dea kua.. tetbe his dad da bdiri dpn pntu umah.. hahahhaha.. cuakkk gila.. trus mtikan enjin trus turun.. hehehehe... lpas tu bebuat tanya.. ni rumah adeeb kan?? hahahah... soo abah dea jmput laaaa masok... lps tu mak dea plak join duduk2 kat ruang tamu... agak segan meyyhhhh.. yg si adeeb ni plak.. bole plak dea biar kita sorg2 ngan parents dea... haiiihhh.. sabor jelaaaa... btw.. tq bwak kita jmpe parents awk!!

malamnyaaaaa... kitaorg otp.. lpastu text... and he ask me to be his gf!!! hewhewhew.. blushing**!!!

haaaaa... sempoi gilaaaa kan... memula tuh.. sy mcm xnk.. well.. dea baru je break up kot... maybe dea nk show off je kat his ex yg dea bole jeee ada gf lain... haaa... bestfriends and housemates ejip pon mcm x mnyokong sgt.. hewhew.. kotlaaaa dea nak memain je kn... but then.. i do accept sbb dea bawak sy gi jmpe his parents dlu before asking me to be his gf.. sooo.. dipertimbangkan laaaaa... hahahha...ok.. two days after dat.. his mum ajak mkn2 for his dad's bufday.. hehe.. but saya x dpt pgi sbb event tu mlam.. sooo sy gi ptg.. bawak kuih skit ngan help mak dea kat dapur.. lama gak laaa visit that tyme.. tp adeeb xde sbb dea keje... segannnyeee... hanya allah je tahu.. hahahha.... after that bru la kitaorg kua sesama.. tu pon x slalu laaaa.. sbb dea keje.. sy pon bz layan ibu.. amal.. wan.. nk isi borg sana sini.. hehe..

i do like him sbb dye sgt laa care pasal kitaaa... since kat mesir.. dealah musyrif ttp everytime gi withdraw duit.. dea laaa studygroup mate dgn si ain.. dea la yg blikan mineral water kalau sy lupa bli  when pgi klas..  hewhew..smlam iftar sorg2... dea hntarkan vanilla milk tea ngan carrot slice secret recipe for iftar.. thanks you awakkkk.. hewhew.. though dlm tu ada pearl yg buat sy pnat kunyah..hehe.. echa pon ckp dea baik.. haha.. ikot jeeee apa sy ckp..lgi satu sy suka dea kan.. sbb.. he knows when something is wrong with me.. hehe.. did he knows me dat much.. hahaha... sy sgt suka bila dea freaks out mse sy throw up dlm kete when we go iftar together ngan echa.. hewhew.. beriya dea tggu just to make sure that im ok.. hukhuk.. terharu kiter**.. hmmm..hmmm...byk je bnde nak cter.. but... pnat da nk mnaip.. plus otak pon dah stuck sana sini... takat ni je kot dis tymeeee... byeeee korang...

delivery for iftar!!!

his lil bro!!!

i'm in loveee!!!

Summer In Malaysia

Hiii all....!!!!

Hmmmm....hhmmmmm...hmmmm

Byk tol bnde nak recall bout summer vacation yg dah sblan lbh nih...haaaiiihhhh...   Btw... Today sy hangout ngan kawan2 saya.... Hewhew... And dats include my little friend yg kecik cenonet tuh....

My real feelings...

Salam awak2 sekalian...
Hmmm... Hmmm... How do i start?? Hmmm...hmmm..
Ape perasaan korang skang ni ek..?? Happy?? Sedih?? Berduka?? Terluka?? Excited?? Sunyi?? Takot?? Or... Korg just xtaw pe korang rse??

Hmm... Aq kan... Aq try all my best.. My very best to hide what i really feels... And only chosen person know what i feel...

Here's my tips utk korg yg tgh bersedeh... Or tgh deal with negative feelings...

1. Dont make it public... People know ur down side.. Then ur dead..

2. Smile.. Take a deep breath...trust that everything will be okay... (ni yg aq slalu buat ble aq tgh sgt2 down)

3. Dont put the blame on others... Remember... 1 jari kita tuding kat org 4 jari kita yg lain tuding kat kita balik... Cri klemahan dri sndiri dlu... Try to improve ourselve..

4. Sacrifice... Yeahhh... I know.. This is hard.. But once u tgk org yg u sacrifekn yourself for tersenyum... Happy... Sgt berbaloi... Sumpah tak tipu..

5. Makan... Ni bkn aq pnye tips laaa... Tp sometimes... Eat good stuff helps... Sbb terhanyut dlm keenakan makanan... Hehe..bole la lupe kjap.. Juga bole djadikan treat after korg bersedih... Yg ni seswai utk food lovers...

6. Dkatkn dri dgn tuhan... Nobody knows what u really feels.. What you are truly facing... But HE knows... Mngadula kat Dia... Maybe bertambah ketnangan... Mohon dberikan hidayah... Pertolongan... Dan kekuatan mnghadapi ujian mndatang... Ni plg pnting...n plg wajib dibuat... Sgt membantu...!!

7. Make good relationship... Haaaa... Ni pon pnting2... Slalunye... Kte face problem sbb kte ade probs ngan org lain... X caye... Cbe korang pkir balik... Msti korang ade probs ngan people sekeliling korg.. Xkiralaaa... Parents ke... Siblings ke... Hosmets ke... Teachers ke... Friends ke... Or maybe sesape je la yg dtg dlm hdup korg... Having good relationship bole elakkn korg dri msalah... Plus.. Ble korg down... Korg ade support... Soo... Korg jdi kuatttt!!!!

8. Keep calm... Remember.. Problems come and go... Jgn gelabah... Rileksss... Take time.. Pkir btul2 sblm korg decide ppe.. Tnye opinion org lain.. Pertimbangkan btol2... Buat kputusan dlm keadaan tenang.. Sbb x terpengaruh ngan emosi... Kang salah decide.. Lagi haru jdinya...

9. Be patient... Sabarrrr... Yesss... Ckp mmg senang.. Bkn ko yg rse kan pe aq rse... Tu slalu dtg dlm kpale otak aq bila org ckp sabar laaa weyy... Mmg org yg bg nasihat ble down xde words lain kan.. But btul laaa dyeorg ckp... Sabar... Ujian je sume ni... Kan allah da ckp... Dye x kn uji hamba dye lbh dri kmampuan... Jdi bersabarlah.. Sesungguhnya... Stiap yg berlaku tu ade hikmahnya.... Ujian tu nak duga kita je... Nak tgk how we react...

10.. Lastly.... Be positive... Haaaa... Yg ni yg susa... Sbb ble kite down... Tang mnenyeeee nak positive kan... Sume bnde pon negative... Xde lagi aq jmpe org down tp think positive.. Hanye org yg hebat je mampu... So kawan2... Kita nak jdi org yg hebat kan.... Kne laaa sntiasa positive!!!

Haaaa.... Now aq da pnat mnaip... Sudahlaaa rsenye... Dis entry mcm agak seriyus... Tp... Aq tulis... Sbb aq tgh tersgt down sebenarnya mlam nih... Dri td than nangis.. Kat umah makcik xde blik kosong.. Nak nangis lang kzen nampak maluuu... Huhu.  lastly... Be helpful... Ble kite tlg org... Insyallah ble kte susa ade org tlg kite... Daaaaa korang... Byeeee!!!!